Monday, June 29, 2009

Don't even read this appaling entry


There has been an unfathomable outbreak of bugs in my room that is colossal in number. Just thinking about this situation makes my stomach turn and vomit begin to tickle my throat. Here are the facts:

1. Two weeks ago, I saw a few little black bugs flitting here and there about my room, though I barely took notice as we had just moved in and were dealing with much larger issues.

2. A week and half ago, I woke up and noticed that these little shithead critters were actually scattered throughout my floor. And, oh look! There was one on my bed!
And on my book shelf! I slowly inspected the room and was eventually led to my large windowsill. At this moment, my life changed forever. I see that there are about 100 bugs scattered throughout the large windowsill. Some are ugly baby bugs that are running around like chickens without heads, some are repulsive teenage bugs that are stupidly flirting with other disgusting promiscuous teenage bugs (and believe me when I say these girls are FAR FROM CHASTE), some are adult bugs that are just basking in the sunlight and some are bug corpses that have evidently met their death on one of my favorite books or with heads bowed silently against my new perfume. SICK.

3. Exterminator comes and says that there is no way any insect will survive after the number he did on our place. Phewfta. NOT.

4. Four days ago, after I washed everything I own, moved all of my things back into the room, and vomited one million times, I noticed that a few bugs were back.
Exterminator tells me not to be a baby and that those were just the last survivors and "everything is fine."

5. Yesterday, I find dozens more chilling on what once was my windowsill and is now just a vast terrain of smushed bugs and live ones rolling around. SICK SICK SICK.

6. My landlord came today after I called 10 times to inspect the situation. He brings his own extermination kit. Together, we find about 100 other buggies living in the creaks of my windows. He tells me "everything is fine" and I begin to cry hysterically. You know how a baby can go from being totally fine to, like, wailing crying in 10 seconds flat? That is exactly what I did.

7. Landlord becomes extremely uncomfortable and says "ahh, you are pretty...bye," and runs out of our apartment faster then a teenage bug procreates with another one in the vile, vomitous, revolting space formally known as my bedroom.

I am moving back to Minnesota.


Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Make new friends, but keep the old, some are silver and the others are amazing extermanators.

Well Denny, I am sorry again for not making my day visit to the Haven this weekend. If I had known then what I know now (ie that I wouldn't find a boyfriend and there would be a infestation of carpet beetles in my apartment), I would have been on the fast Metro-North to ghetto-ville.

Yes, there has been a bug infestation in our apartment. And the exterminator is here. And he is a talker. In fact, he is talking our faces off as I pretend to be involved in very important iBookG4 matters..

"I am more than an exterminator, I am a friend. I am your friend, you are my friend, we are friends."

"I wake up every morning and I can't wait to go to work. I love it, I just love it."

"I get to see new assholes every day, not the same."

"There are hundreds of different kinds of ants. Fire ants, harvest ants, red ants, stinging ants, hot ants, Florida ants, carpet ants, army ants. I can name a lot more."

"I am not looking to make a million dollars a month or a million dollars a year. I am not lookin for nothing in life."

He just left. Then came back in to tell us that he is always the most popular guy at a BBQ (I love BBQs and I love popular friends, I just knew this would work out!) because people always want to hear his stories. He left us with this:

"People always give me bugs to look at. Once, this woman brings me a bug and asks me what it is and I look at it and I tell her 'Woman, this is a booger. A booger.' I got lots of stories like that."

God Bless,
Megan Marion

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

I feel majorly excluded

Hey Dennnnn,

The icky nightmare has finally ended and we’ve moved into our new apartment, aka, The Lexington Council. Doesn’t that sound totally fancy-pancy?? Honestly, we originally wanted to move into this purple shiny building that is called The Princess Manor, but I’m really starting to like the LC. The place is cute as pie. My room has these crazy, HUGE church-like windows and is almost blindingly bright and Megs has a smaller little room that is reminiscent of a tree house, which is obviously a good thing for the little one.

So, I know two things about our neighborhood in Brookyln. One, there are tons of Polish people around here and I really might have to become part of that social group given my predicament with #2. Which is, I am positively, categorically, without question, not cool enough to live here amongst the cool kids. I feel like I am in 7th grade again... That year I went to this new school and none of the girls liked me and I cried every night for one year and used the words "clique" and "exclusive" in almost every sentence. It is happening all over again!! I don’t know the bands, I don’t know the dress, and I don’t know the language. The other day I wore my white running shoes and Megan would not walk next to me. My own sister is excluding me. My friend Erica, who is pretty cool, keeps saying things are “epic,” so I dropped that word into a convo this morning when ordering a coffee and of course it was the absolute wrong use of the word and I sounded dorkier then ever. Also, I ordered a diet coke in a restaurant the other day and the waitress looked at me like I was a disgusting child molester. "WE ONLY HAVE NATURAL SODA," she barked back at me. And, this might be common knowledge but don't ask anybody if they carry Splenda. That seemingly harmless request is not received well. The kids just don't seem to like me here.

What to do?