UBS: A medical condition

Hi, Dennis.

Perhaps you’ve been fortunate/unfortunate enough to have witnessed one of my siblings or me experience UBS (Unprovoked Blushing Syndrome) in the past. It really is something else, Den. This malady is seemingly genetic and entirely unfortunate for its victims. What happens is this: Something not at all embarrassing occurs that provokes the UBS victim to blush. This could be a passing hello, an innocuous inquiry, or even a probing question but the point is the victim is NOT embarrassed or phased by it. As soon as the UBS victim becomes aware of the impending blush attack, he becomes increasingly self-conscious of it and in an attempt to assuage the deepening color, gets even redder and as a result, becomes definitively embarrassed. This of course leads the other person involved to believe that it was in fact his or her question or greeting that prompted the UBS victim’s response. UBS is a violent chain reaction.

One such UBS incident occurred last week. I was having lunch with Pascal and his parents and casually discussing Minnesota and what it was like growing up in the land of 10,000 lakes. I was feeling easy-breezy, and rather on top of my game, in fact, as they were finally understanding my mediocre French, laughing a lot and maybe even having “the time of their lives.” I was cool as a cucumber until Madame F asked me what kind of agriculture is produced in MN. BOOM…I felt the color creeping up my neck to my face and dug my fingernails into my skin because sometimes that helps relieve it. No dice. I became rapidly redder by the second and I saw Pascal’s eyes narrowing in confusion. I was so red at one point that my brain froze and I could not think of one thing produced in MN let alone ONE agricultural product in the entire world. The parents were clearly wondering whether in English, the question “qu'est-ce que l'agriculture” actually meant something like, “how heavy is your period flow today?”

Everyone was totally squirming in their chairs, praying that I would say SOMETHING…anything! But I simply could not. I didn’t even know how to speak English anymore. After seriously about 90 seconds of ridiculously awkward silence, some angelic member of the family changed the subject. The incident passed but I am certain it was not forgotten and very sure his parents will not go around asking that question to Americans anymore.

For crying out loud,
Julia